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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in luna's LiveJournal:

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Friday, March 21st, 2003
4:13 pm
well well well.
baby Talia is here!
Natalia Grace was born on March 16, 2003, at 6:13 am. I was in labor for about 3 hours- all natural, no meds, in the hospital. I was listening to tori amos 'under the pink' when my water broke. I was very calm, very zen, called Luke to tell him and he FLIPPED out...we used his bosses car to get to the hospital. Contractions and giving birth wasn't half as bad as I was expecting. People tell you all these horor stories, and then you are lying there, and it hurts like hell, but nothing scary. I was fine. Before Talia was even fully out, I reached down and felt her head...it was like a sponge, with hair. then her head was out and she cried. Luke turned white, almost passed out. I laughed. She started talking before she was even BORN. my kid rocks.
the midwife was really funny and new-agey, i had a small tear so instead of stiches she SUPERGLUED it shut. I'm not kidding.
anyway, Talia is so beautiful...she has a full head of curly black hair and so far, blue eyes. I'm expecting them to turn brown soon enough. sigh...no green eyes. thats okay. :)
Shes doing well with nursing and amazingly, is asleep in her sling right now.
i've had about 4 hours of sleep since having her.
it feels really weird not to be pregnant.

In other news, Luke and I got married and are living in our own apartment. He has finished college and is temping right now, but should be getting a decent job soon. we don't have a computer. we are on welfare. but things are looking up.

I can't get in my email- full, maybe? i hope you are all well.

C I want to know if you are out of the army or what is going on I was very worried about you when we went to war. Gwen I hope you are doing well. Crystie and all my other girlmom friends I hope your doing well too.

Okay my time is running out. I love you all.
Wednesday, January 8th, 2003
6:44 pm
oh yeah, i *am* going back to school 'casue i talked my advisor down another 2,00. woohoo! I applied to the community college nearby, its a satalite school so all my credits transfered. I realzied if i changed my major to science, i have enough credits to be a.....JUNIOR! whoa. exctiting. Hopefully i'll graduate at 20 when the baby isn't yet 1, and hopefully won't make too much of a ruckus in class. hopefully. the word of the hour.
i don't think i'll ever have this baby. i'll just be huge and pregnant for the rest of my life.
i got myself sick over this whole shit with my mom. i started helping out along with my regular job at an aids hospice but i am taking a break for a while, it was awful. maybe i'll help children who arn't so far along instead. luke and i are driving this weekend before school starts, to visit her grave. sort out things that belong to me in her apartment. And perhaps get married. or save that for next weekend.

Current Mood: anxious
Friday, January 3rd, 2003
10:54 pm
i was fine for so long, now I can't stop crying.

12:52 am
since she has died, i have been living a lot more.
Mouring quite a bit. there was a time where I didn't move for a few days.
But also laughing, listening to music I enjoyed a long time ago, re kindling an old old friendship, playing with aforementioned friend's children on christmas day, reading good books, playing the cello for hours, cooking good food. Throwing myself into everything.
i feel like I've missed so much, and don't want to miss out on anymore.
Havn't been online at all. The online world is so surreal and so cold. Not that I don't love you all still- i have totally missed you. But the real world can hug you back. come on in, the waters fine.
Perhaps I've been really selfish and indulgent.
I don't give a damn.
Monday, December 23rd, 2002
12:45 pm
I'm rethinking my veiws on heaven/hell.
Religious wise, i'm not supposed to believe in them.
Now I'm not so sure.
Maybe I believe more in reincarnation. When you die, your soul floats into another. Do they float into someone being born, or being concevied? where do we get a soul?
and heaven and hell-if god is a forgiving god, then why would he send ANYONE to hell?
I know so many people whos lives just havn't been finished. Like my mothers. she didn't really live, and now she's dead. or little children. Do they go off somewhere and just be little children forever? do they get tired of that?

I don't know why I think my problems are so special, or so unique. everyone losses parents, tons of people are adopted, tons of people have divorced parents, ITS NOTHING NEW and nothing special. I don't know why I think I am.

even so, its been a rough three days. I have lied on my back and done pretty much nothing. Lucas wants me to go a shrink today. Not looking forward to that.

Current Mood: sleepy
Thursday, December 19th, 2002
2:11 pm
none of you need to read/respond to any of the past few entries, i just need to write it all down. or elese it would have never happened.
I am speaking nonsense.
I need some food.
Wednesday, December 18th, 2002
8:38 pm
i could go for some weed right now.
3:16 am
3:15 am.
only nine more hours now.
1:35 am
this really sucks.

i didn't cry until a bit ago flipping through the channels...first pinks 'family portrait' video, then j lo with a warning about hiv.

i should go to bed. i am so worn out.

luke is being amazing. totally. unbelivably. amazing. He asked if i still have the wedding dress.
i do.
Tuesday, December 17th, 2002
11:20 pm
She signed a DNR (do not resusicate), meaning that the docotors didn't have to do everything to keep her alive if it ment shed stay in a vegitable semi-alive state for weeks/months/years.
I guess it was a smart desicion but I can't comprehend it, not at all. I wish she would have asked me. But thats being selfish.
She passed away at 9:13 on the 15th. It was the most horrible thing I have ever seen. She had shit leaking from her body everywhere and bits of her colon got on my shoes. Tons of tubes and wires. Why am I writting about this? that dosent matter now.
I'm shocked but I shouldn't be. She was sick when I was born, or right after or something, for christsakes, that was 19 years ago. apparently she had some sort of molecule that kept her from having 'full blown aids' till the very end. Umm...the dr explained it to me but i didn't really hear him. Wait, i have it written down...she had more CD4 T cells then the average person.
Why am i telling you that?
i don't know what to feel. I almost feel okay. resolved. I was never close to her, she was never my mom the way my a. mother was, but I am so, so glad I knew her for the time I did. I regreted finding her almost everyday, but now I don't regret it at all.
shes been sick for a long time.
the funeral is tomorrow. it'll be interesting to see who goes.

Current Mood: ?
Sunday, December 15th, 2002
7:16 pm
shes back in the hospital, now shes got thrush and some sort of skin disease too.


i dont want anymore drama then this.

Current Mood: distressed
2:18 am
ThanksCollapse )
I'm an eensie bit bitter right now, and I don't know why.

Current Mood: angry
Saturday, December 14th, 2002
10:54 pm
alright...she is okay. thank god.
i've been at the hospital all day. she is really sick, but should be going home tomorrow. we talked, mostly about baby names, and decided on:

Natalia Grace.

I love it. Luke loves it. Its so classy and pretty and elegant without being stuffy or plastic. I even like it better then lily now- Natalia is so much more versitle and meaningful. I LOVE the name Talia as well,m and thats what we are going to call her.


Lucas is here. he is being amazingly good. God, I've missed him.

Current Mood: tired
3:33 pm
Daintier, smarter, better dressed!

Yes Mom, I'm still a virgin.
And you are Marilyn Monroe.
When I was a little girl, we grew wings and flew under the sea
To see my daddy, Mr. Edgar Allen Poe.

My mother is really sick. I have to go see her now.

Current Mood: scared
2:50 pm

I wish I could figure this counter thing out.

Luke is coming up at 4. Good.

Current Mood: restless
Friday, December 13th, 2002
8:09 pm
my b. mom is really sick. shes got some sort of pnemonia.
I'm worried.
aimee mann is playing tonight, and I was invited to go, but decided not too. I hate going to good concerts or movies with people im not really, really close too. it's like having someone read over your shoulder. I like to be able to cry.
or maybe i'm just a recluse.
11:44 am
I found some pictures I took in 2000, during the blizzard...this is my current residance, covered in snow:

what's so sad, mom had to get someone to cut that tree down after that, it was a safty hazard. Poor tree. :(

Current Mood: nostalgic
12:05 am
What moon songs do you sing your babies?
This was our song. He called, we tlaked for long hours. He wants to name the baby Natalia Fleur.
'we cant name the baby fleaur, she was mean to ron' says i.
no, he says its just what i wanted- a single syalble middle name that was flower related. yes, hes right, but i don't like it. he LOVES it.
Ok, ok. But I get the first and last name.

What moon songs
Do you sing your babies?
What sunshine do you bring?

Who belongs
Who decides who's crazy
Who rights wrongs where others cling?

I'll sing for you
If you want me to
I'll give to you and

It's a chance i'll have to take
And it's a chance i'll have to break

I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
So in love
I'm in love with you
With you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
So in love
I'm in love with you
I'm so in love
I'm in love with you

As we were hanging up he asked if I still had the ring.
I never took it off.

Current Mood: crushed
Thursday, December 12th, 2002
8:39 pm
I have gained 40 lbs so far. I'm due in march. I look like I'm due tomorrow.
It's all good though.... not gonna bitch about flabby arms or pink marks...big, healthy baby on the way. And that is all that matters. :)
3:19 pm
Which Edward Gorey Book Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

damn. I wanted to be the Gashlycrumb Tinies. Or Theodora, if they had it:

Finals are now over. Thank god.

Current Mood: relieved
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